Category Archives: Jokes

Humour at its best!

Lesson 1: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Source

Respectfully Cheating!!

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”

“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”

“Three? When were they?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

Nanhe’s Great Expectations!!!

The news is yet not confirmed whether Nanhe has got a girlfriend or not but I have heard lot of things about this matter through many reliable sources. And as it is said “Unless there is fire there cannot be the smoke.”

Also there is news floating that many in Nanhe’s gang have just started believing that what Nanhe told them might be true to some extent. Currently my sources are in no mood to confirm any news but are busy chalking a plan of action for Nanhe now onwards. The plan which they have discussed with Nanhe, mentions how his girl can change the lives of so many like them. I am publishing the gist of the plan which I just overheard Nanhe and his gang discussing.   The plan is designed on the fact that Nanhe has caught a “big fish”. His girl’s father is into very profitable business and she owns a mansion in heart of the city. The best part is that she does not have a brother so no sharing and caring business with brother-in-law in Nanhe’s case.
So, it means our Nanhe will be a millionaire in near future.

Let me get to the plan I was talking about,

1> It is heard Nanhe is already pressing her girl to pay for his rent and monthly expenses which comes around Rs10000/-. This “wicked” Nanhe has played his trick beautifully citing reasoning that she can deduct the amount spent on “Maintenance” of his “current luxurious” life from the dowry that will be given later.

2> Nanhe expects a posh, fully furnished flat along with a BMW car in dowry. If this “super waste” gets all this, I won’t be able to show my face as I am 100 times better than Nanhe and have not caught a “small fish” as yet. I have always adored style of VVS Laxman in life cricket(If life is similar to game of Cricket). Our Nanhe who was no where near my stature and class and the one who used to be 12th man in the game will hit first ball six like Virender Sehwag!!!!

But as all of you know “मेरा badluck थोडा ख़राब चल रहा है ….” so I have finally learnt to accept it.

3> He always used to say that he is very much inspired by the movie STYLE, but I never knew that this “STYLE-LESS DEHATI” will incorporate the same in his life.

4> I always told Nanhe that I want to own a 2BHK flat and a car and have set a 10 year deadline for the same. But this “Kamina to the core” will own a mansion and a luxury car within no time. I feel like pulling my hair when these thoughts cross my mind. This is a new rag to riches story. “SLUMDOG NANHE” will be the new “MILLIONAIRE”. Who knows, he might make a movie on his story now and might win an Oscar too!!!

5> Nanhe has always been very supportive to his friends. He hasn’t wasted opportunity this time either. Champ has requested him to give him a “servant’s quarter” in his mansion. Our generous Nanhe has agreed to it and also offered him Rs 4000/- pm for sustenance. With this it will be proved that “Every dog has his day” as this bloody champ will also have one in his life very soon.

6> Once Nanhe has millions of rupees in his bank account, he can start any new venture. Though Nanhe portarys himself to be a “duffer”, I know he is very “shrewd”. God knows, he may excel in his venture and will make more bucks. Even if he fails, he would not have to worry as his bank account will swell with interest obtained on millions of rupees.

Seems Nanhe and his friends have made a full proof plan as I overheard them discussing risks and effects of the plan too.

As I have already discussed the plan I would love to mention the risk too.

I heard Nanhe sounding damn tensed while discussing the risk because his girl has always said that Nanhe is dreaming high. She has also made it clear to him that he is “Not going to get any RETURNS on his INVESTMENTS.”

So now may be you all will get why Nanhe was sounding worried while discussing the risk.

But as you all know Nanhe is very optimistic and is “SWEET & SOFT SPOKEN” I don’t think he has to worry about it.
I feel he will somehow make his way out and get his all wishes fulfilled.

Have you imagined what will be the outcome if Nanhe’s dream turns out to be true ?

1>This “unbranded” “cunning” crook will sport branded stuff now.

2> His market value will also increase as market value of a

guy depends on his girl and our Nanhe is going around with daughter of a millionaire. This will certainly give impetus. It seems that all of sudden when whole market is plummeting our Nanhe will soar high in “glory”!!!!!

Anyways on the ending note if this story is a success and to be believed then Nanhe’s life will be the latest example of “Behind every successful man there is a woman”!!!

10 Husbands and Still VIRGIN?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”