The term ‘one-night stand’ comes from the world of showbiz, originally meaning a one- off theatre performance. Those three magic words – ‘one’, ‘night’ and ‘stand – sound so casual and carefree. But read on, there are five important tips to consider, before starring in a one-night-only hook-up.
Pre-arrange a call from a trusted dost early in the proceedings. That way, if your date is a crashing bore or potential psychopath, you can make a quick getaway. What? My aged daadi in Bhatinda has been rushed to hospital? You want me to come immediately? The phone-a-friend trick can be a timely lifeline.
Money nahi hai to honey hai
The rules of engagement in a one-night stand are simple. There’s no question of will they/won’t they? The main course on the menu is sex. There’s no need to spend your hard-earned rupees on London priced drinks at Tabula Rasa or Shalom. Instead, splash out 10 rupees max on bhel puri, and wash it down with a cholera cocktail of sugarcane juice. Then, the formalities of wining and dining over, make a beeline back to yours for something even spicier.
Help! I’ve been burgled!
It’s Murphy’s Law that the only time you score on a night out is when your place looks like it hasn’t seen a duster in weeks. The solution is, as you open the door… exclaim in wild surprise that your room has been raided by robbers. Why else would everything be in such disarray? It may work. But might not account for the overflow of old pizza boxes, or the science experiment growing in week-old tea cups.
You came. You saw. And you’re about to conquer. There’s just one final hurdle to get over before you jump into bed. Girls, did you forget to shave your legs before the date? Boys, are you wearing 25-rupee underwear, instead of your Calvin Klein pulling pants? If the answer to the above questions is ‘yes’, then the emergency contraception worked. Unshaved legs and cheap chaddis are the most effective methods of preventing unwanted pregnancy. Being too embarrassed to get undressed is the ultimate night-before-the-morning-after-pill.
No kismat konnection
Even if the sex was mind-blowing, do remember a one-night stand is just that. One night. Don’t go looking for a ‘kismat konnection’ with your new bedroom buddy. Don’t even expect a good morning cup of coffee. Just get up while they’re still zedding, hunt around the room for discarded clothing, and escape from the scene of the crime. Now for the hard part.
The walk of shame.
You are dishevelled, bleary-eyed and still half drunk. You are modeling bed head, and you’re in totally unsuitable evening wear that gives off the smell of sex and smoke. Respectable Delhiites on their way to work may give you a double take as you slink home. Still, if you got your paisa vasool from the sex, that’s worth any amount of curious looks from strangers.